Fall Rocks!

It's a play on words, in case you didn't pick up on that.
It's fall which always, for some reason, reminds people of...memories.  Falling in love, new beginnings, being refreshed in every sense of the word...it seems fall is pivotal--even more so than spring--in inducing a sense of newness and refreshing in everything around us.
So, though fall is usually a time when I'm so excited about all the unseen-but loved-by-me-very-much-newness, this fall has brought about a newness I'm not used to--struggling through a mire of self-disdain.  It's not refreshing, really.  It's a landslide of self-hatred, friends, and it's not pretty. I haven't been enjoying it.  For those that don't know me:  I'm like everybody else in that I struggle with low self-esteem sometimes.  I do have moments of insecurity here and there that I quickly shoo off, ignore, and purposely forget like a stranger you pass on the street that you don't want to think about after you've passed them because it's silly and obsessive.  I deal with my self-esteem for what it is--a clear case of amnesia rooted in the fact that I've temporarily forgotten how much The Creator of Me loves me and is for me.  Period.  There are different reasons my amnesia kicks in so I always try to sort out why it's happening when it comes up.  I quickly seek (until I find) "the catalyst" so that I can move on to sanity and correct perspective.  Sometimes I'll hate on myself (not in a brutal or super-self destructive way, mind you) for a few minutes, a few hours or even a few days (especially when my "little visitor" makes me feel awful for the serious lack of self-control I have over my life when I suddenly want to cry for no reason).  Usually, though, as a general rule of thumb, I'm an obnoxiously bright, deeply-in-love-with-me person (because I KNOW The Creator of Me loves me and is really into me).  But I do have my moments.
Well, this last little "moment" has gained momentum. It's turned from a moment to a lingering pain in the butt, rearing its ugly head more and more often.  I had a big breakthrough last night and I can see we've rounded the bend, but it's not quite over.  Just almost over.  I know this rain of "fall rocks" on my head has been following me around because I'm not dealing with the catalysts.  I've had a few easily identifiable possible candidates for catalysts in the last couple of years:

1)  I had a second divorce.  FYI:  For those of you who don't know, this can be horrible on the self-esteem.  (This was not the divorce from my Babay Dadday, btw).  One realizes how far behind you are on the learning curve when something like that happens.  I'm thankful that it did happen because it was EXACTLY what I needed to grow up and get in those final learning lessons concerning marriage as an institution compared to what healthy partnerships are supposed to be. (That's another blog, dear.)  But how HUMBLING for a woman of my superior strength and wisdom to end up in a stupid relationship.  Oh, the horror!  It's a cause for taking a major humble pill.  And that's OK.  I have a life-long prescription for humble pills which I swallow by the bucket fulls.  I'd rather humble myself than find myself humbled.   If "pride cometh before a fall,"  I'd rather just stay on the ground so I don't have to deal with those ugly scars and the search for cute bandaids.  I'm thankful for the lessons I gained from the experience, thankful that it only lasted a year, thankful, thankful, so it's really not a huge sore spot.  I don't THINK it's a catalyst, because I'm not really hurt from the situation, but it's a possible culprit for quiet little nagging, subtle lies.

2)  A year and a half after the breakup, I got into a fun little fling with a boy 10 years my junior.  The boy, in addition to being cute and harmless, was 30 years my junior mentality.  I was able to set the ground rules and frankly tell him that he was not long-term anything but merely entertainment for me for the moment.  I felt little obligation to do anything other than have him around when I wanted him around (or didn't want him around) and clearly told him from the beginning that when I was done, I was DONE.  He did obey, but he had stupid, sneaky issues that caused the clean-up after the split to be messier than I would have liked.  Not messy for him--messy for me.  I was able to get rid of him easily enough, but there was backlash.  It wasn't sad backlash because I missed him.  I didn't miss him and was glad to be rid of him.  I was thankful for the fling into a drama-free emotional vacuum for a while, but having to be so hardened, so shallow, so one-track-minded, so unattached yet attached did a number on me, changed my makeup in some way, and did have a bigger impact on my life than I thought it would.  It's amazing that such trivial, silly things turn into HUGE things in your life when you're meant to live life abundantly and beautifully.  It seems some people are able to get away with shallow relationships, and ridiculous antics, but I've noticed I'm on a short cosmic leash and I'm not able to get away with stuff.  When I get into a goofy relationship (I haven't had very many at all), I get quick repercussions.  I know the quick jerking of the chain only happens because I'm loved by My Pappa G-d so much but I will admit that in the more base part of me, I do long for meaninglessness sometimes--or more accurately stated, I want minimal to no consequences for foolishness.

3)  I've gained about 30 pounds in the last 2 years.  That right there, my friends, I've realized, is the kicker.  Why has this happened?  Simple. I'm eating too much and not exercising enough.  I don't care how much I try to spiritualize things, if THIS girl doesn't feel gorgeous, she's not happy.  There are lots of ways to feel gorgeous, mind you, but if I feel frumpy, it's not a good thing in my world.
I think some of those old tapes I heard playing when I was young are still stored away in a basement in my brain. It's good all this has come up because I find myself foolishly listening to the tapes--no bueno.  The light has now been turned on in this hidden basement, so soon we'll have a raid on it and burn those *%^$ing tapes like a preacher at a tent meeting!
The biggest lie I've been feasting on from the old tapes is that it's a shallow, vain thing to be so focused on one's weight and looks--that we do too much of that in America.  I've been hearing this whole thing is cutural, my obsession with not feeling good.  Weel, just last night, I called bullshite on that.  You know, I KNOW what makes me feel good.  I know when I'm not taking care of myself, and when I'm not, I'm not gonna feel good.  It's just math.  It's not the culture, it's not some breakdown in my soul that is causing me to obsess about what I look and feel like.  It's not my sinful vanity and self-interest.  I don't feel good because I'm not BEING good to myself and my inner woman knows it.  She is mad at me for being so bad to me and now we all need to stop being mad and being at war with each other  and do what feels good--get moving!  So, I went back to the gym last night, ran my butt off, lifted weights, and realized I'm over this season of whatever foolish mindset I was in.  We're getting back into being who we are:  AWESOME.

4)  (This one is not a catalyst, but a branch of the catalyst that causes me to shut down in my heart)  I'm not certain about being in a relationship with someone--now or any time soon.  I know I won't get married again, but being semi cut off from the idea of getting involved with anyone "anytime soon" doesn't work well for me.  I'm too social, I love people, I love dudes, I love friends, I love giving and sharing, and having fun, and for me to be cut off from the idea of a a relationship is kind of disjointed and feels like an imbalance.  A healthy relationship is a joy and wonderful addition to life!  Why cut it off?  It doesn't make me happy cutting off the idea of happy fun, that's for sure.  Maybe I need to get happy with the idea of just being alone for a long time but I also think I need some healing.

Anyway, that's my confession.
I'm "getting away from it all" (in bits and pieces as time allows) with my Creator/Lover so He can give me some proper perspective.  I've got some stuff to deal with, but I enjoy dealing.  I've just got to find the time!!  Maybe while I'm out on the track!  ;)
Send out positive vibrations and prayers so that forward motion turns into forward momentum!!
Much love to you!